Birthmothers: The Most Asked Questions about Adoption

This is a scenario we see almost everyday at the AAA Center for Pregnancy Counseling: a young woman comes in who was not expecting to get pregnant. She may be in school or just lost her job. Her boyfriend is not happy about the pregnancy or she feels like her parents will be very angry. Whatever the reasons, she feels she is not at a good place in her life to raise a child.

Most of the time, we see one of two choices come to the fore-front: parenting or abortion. Honestly, in the tough situations, neither one seems to fit. She can’t see how she could possibly parent, but most women do not really want to abort . So, we remind them of the third option: adoption.

Like I said yesterday, I think adoption has gotten a bad rap. I am constantly amazed at the number of women who tell me they are afraid their baby will not end up in a good home. However, once I explain a few of the changes that have taken place in adoption over the years, they are usually quite pleasantly surprised.

Sometimes when we think of adoption, we think of the old movies where the baby was whisked away from the crying mother at the moment of birth. The woman then spends many years suffering in silence, wondering what has become of her child.  If they meet up again, both have suffered greatly, but it ends happy because they are together again.

Baby, things have changed! First of all, the birthmother can now choose the family that will adopt her child. She is presented with a selection of parents who have been screened and approved to bring a child into their home. Some mothers prefer their child to be in a family with no children, and some prefer a home where there will be brothers and sisters.  Sometimes, one family just “feels” better than the others. Anyway, the choice is hers!

Also, the baby is no longer whisked away unless that would be her choice. Birthmothers are encouraged to hold their baby and take care of them while they are in the hospital. Most babies go home from the hospital with the adoptive family. However, the choice is there to have the baby go to temporary care if the mother needs a little more time to make up her mind.

Even after the baby is in the adoptive home, the birthmother can choose to have as little or as much contact as she wants. In an open adoption, letters and pictures are sent and visits are possible. That way she can see that her baby is doing fine and that the family is just what she hoped they would be. However, if she desires to put it all in the past, it is fine to have the adoption be closed.

How about the birthfather? He has rights, and it is best to include him in the adoption plan whenever possible. If the mother no longer has a relationship with him, the adoption agency or the state will contact him and make sure that the proper procedures for notification are followed. If the birthmother and father disagree on the adoption, the courts can determine if his rights can be terminated.

There is no cost to the birthmother for an adoption. In fact, she may be given assistance with medical and living expenses. If she works with an adoption agency, she will also receive free counseling to make sure that adoption is the best plan for her and her child, and to help her to be prepared for the day she gives her baby into the arms of another family.

In my opinion, working with an adoption agency is really the best way to go. They are experienced at working both with the birthparents and the adoptive families. They work hard to make certain that babies will be safe and  go into only the most qualified homes. They have experienced counselors working with all the parties involved  in order to make it the best experience for all concerned.

Here are some adoption agencies that I would recommend in Omaha, NE:

Bethany Christian Services:   712-352-0222

Catholic Charities    402-554-0520

KS American Adoptions- 800-236-9837

Lutheran Family Services- 402-342-7007

Nebraska Children’s Home-  402-457-0787

One thing I have found with undesired pregnancies: there are no easy choices. No matter what a woman decides to do with her baby, that child will be with her for the rest of her life- either in memory or in person. Some of the choices are easier in the short-term, but get harder to live with as time goes by. I think that adoption is just the opposite: it is tough giving up the child, but the knowledge that they are in a happy home makes things easier as time goes by.

Keeping it true!  Barb

The Truth about Adoption

Lisa (not her real name) was thirty-two weeks pregnant. She had actually been to our Center (the AAA Center for Pregnancy Counseling) at the very beginning of her pregnancy. She was nineteen and still living at home with her parents. At the time she convinced herself that everything was fine, and that she, along with her boyfriend, would somehow raise the baby. However, she did not tell her parents that she was pregnant.

It was getting closer everyday to the time when she would deliver her baby. In the meantime her boyfriend had broken the law and was in prison.  Then, one day, a friend’s mother called her parents to tell them that Lisa was pregnant. In their shock and anger they rushed Lisa to the Center. At first, they talked about abortion. However, by this point Lisa was too far along to have that done in the surrounding area. Plus, Lisa wanted to look into adoption. So, she went to an adoption agency in town. Before the baby was born, Lisa received counseling as to what to expect and was even able to choose the family to whom she would give her baby. 

When delivery day arrived, Lisa was able to spend a couple of days getting to know her son and making some memories.  Then the adoptive couple came to get him and take him home. However, that was not the end. Lisa still receives letters, e-mails and pictures from the family. They even travelled many miles to visit the baby’s father in prison, so that he could see his son.

In my opinion, adoption has gotten a bad rap! When I try to talk with pregnant women about adoption, many tell me that they could never carry a child for nine months and then give it away to a family that might abuse it.  Now I understand  the part about not being able to give away a child. That would be extremely difficult. However, I have several friends who have attempted to adopt. They are the most screened people in the universe! They have to fill out a ton of forms and have case-workers visit their home. Believe me, if people having their own babies were screened this well, child abuse would disappear!

A lot of  adopted children are going from a home with a single mother, (who most of the time loves the baby very much, but doesn’t have many resources) to a family with both a mother and a father with the ability to provide for the child.  Statistics show that mothers who give their babies up for adoption have the following advantages over those who keep their children: they are more likely to finish school, less likely to live in poverty, less likely to divorce, and, surprisingly (in spite of the trauma of giving up a child) are less likely to suffer negative psychological consequences, like depression.

In addition, there are many benefits to children who are adopted, in comparison to those raised in single-parent households. Less of them grow up in poverty, which gives them a leg up as far as education, health, and a successful future are concerned. Their parents tend to be more mature and with greater desire for a child, since they have been denied one for so long.

I feel that there are so many misconceptions about adoption that I am going to deal with the subject all week. I will explain how to go about giving a child up for adoption, as well as discussing adoption and foster care. The changes in adoption in the last few years have been dramatic, with the birth-mother being very much in control. It has never been a better option- for both mother and child.    

Keeping it true!  Barb

Medicaid, Foster Care and Domestic Violence- What’s New in Nebraska?

Part of the purpose of this blog is to keep women (particularly women who are pregnant or are interested in pregnancy) informed about issues that might personally concern them. And,  since I live in Omaha, my focus is on what is happening in Nebraska.  The following information was taken from today’s Omaha World Herald. I have included a link with each story to the actual article itself.  I will attempt to continue to follow each of these stories and more so that you can stay informed.

The first story involves an update on Medicaid pre-natal coverage for illegal immigrants.  Earlier this year, the state of Nebraska discovered that the federal Medicaid program did not cover children in the womb. Therefore, pregnant Medicaid recipients could no longer count their unborn child as a person to qualify for coverage. Thousands of future mothers found themselves without prenatal care.  Most women were quickly restored. However, the Legislature and the governor refused to restore coverage to women who were in the country illegally.

A lawsuit was filed on behalf of a woman in Adams County who has a history of gestational diabetes. Without medical care, both she and her baby could be at great risk. This woman is only one of at least 1,500 women who remain without prenatal care because they presently do not qualify for Medicaid coverage.  Late on Wednesday (August 25) night, Lancaster County District Judge Karen Flowers rejected the lawsuit. Therefore, those women and babies remain without government assitance for medical care.

However, there are places that will help. In Omaha, the One World Community Health Center assists many women who find themselves without care. Their phone number is 402-734-4110.  Here at the AAA Center for Pregnancy Counseling (402-397-0600) we will be happy to provide free pregnancy testing and early obstetric ultrasounds, as well as community referrels.  I will let you know when I learn of any updates to this story.

The next story concerns the child-welfare system.  Maybe you will be surprised to learn that Nebraska is above the national average in children who are in foster homes (or out-of-home care.) This is of great concern to the Nebraska Department of Health and Human Services. So, last fall, they contacted five private child welfare agencies to assist in improving the system. The goal is not only to reduce the number of children in foster care, but also the number of families on welfare.

The problem is that these organizations have spent millions of their own money to push forward with the improvements. The plan was for the state to make payments to each organization, but they have fallen behind. Two of the organizations, Visinet and Cedars Youth Services, have been forced to drop out. The others are saying that it will difficult, but they should be able to press through and make it.

There are concerns, however, that the plan will work. A child advocate expressed concern that the groups may not be able to hang on financially. Plus, she stated that there was no evidence that using private organizations will improve the child welfare system.  Again, I will try to keep track and post any updates.

Lastly, more help may be on the way for women and children suffering from Domestic Violence. Thanks to the Verizon Foundation, the Nebraska Domestic Violence Sexual Assualt Coalition now has $10,000 to expand the technology which will allow them to help more victims in a more effective way.

If you are living with, or have a relationship with someone who hurts of threatens you, please call 1-800-876-6238.

Keeping it true (and current!)   Barb

Adult vs. Embryonic Stem Cells- Why is there even a debate?

Yesterday, I was so fascinated by the reading I had done on the miracles being performed by adult stem cells that I did a little more research.  All the stories in the news right now are decrying the huge scientific “set-back” being inflicted by the courts upon embryonic stem cell research. I found it disturbing that I had to really dig to discover that adult stem cells are already performing most of the amazing things that the embryonic cells might one day, after millions of dollars of research,  supposedly be able to perform. So, my question is: Why?

I know I am not a scientist (and I am far from being a genius) but if something is already working, why would the government remove grant money from it to fund a procedure which may or may not ever work, and if it does, will  probably not be as safe or effective?  Does that make sense to you? I would hope that even if I did not believe that life began at conception (which I do) that I would still be muddled by this logic (or lack of.)

What is a stem cell? It is a cell which can be made into another type of cell. From what I understand, they can be found in almost all tissues and organs. They can also be taken from any age person. At birth, umbilical cords, placentas, and even the amniotic fluid are all rich sources of stem cells. More and more parents are taking cord blood from their children at birth and either donating it or paying to have it stored in case their child will ever need it in the future.

Like I mentioned yesterday, there are many who feel that embryonic stem cells will never be used successfully to treat adults, no matter how much research is done. These cells are designed to rapidly multiply in the formation of new life in the womb. There is speculation that they will always cause tumors and a breakdown of the immune system. Plus, why spend millions (even billions) to get them so they won’t have that reaction when adult stem cells are plentiful in supply and safe to use?

This whole debate seems like such a no-brainer to me that I wonder what I am missing. Again, even putting aside the pro-life vs. pro-choice debate, choosing adult stem cells seems like a slam dunk. It is already here,  it already works and it is in plentiful supply.  Please let me know if there is another side to this that I should consider.

Yesterday I mentioned that my mother has Parkinson’s disease. You can imagine my excitement when I found out that patients with Parkinson’s have already been successfully treated with adult stem cells. For her sake, I would like to go to the powers that be and beg them to pour money into this research and find her a cure. If this whole debate is nothing but a political hodge-podge, then we should all be angry.

Keeping it true!  Barb

Wading Through the Muddle on Stem Cell Research

As you may or may not have heard, a federal judge recently, and temporarily, blocked a decision which the Obama administration had earlier made to fund expanded human embryonic stem cell research. The judge said in his ruling that the decision violated federal law that prohibits research which would involve the destruction of human embryos. So…. what does this mean? And, what is the whole debate about anyway? I did a little research to try to understand it a little better.

As far as I can understand it, there are many conditions and illnesses which could potentially be helped by the use of healthy cells.  Let’s say that someone has a break in their spine. If new cells were used perhaps that break could be mended and the person could regain use of their arms and legs. The theory is that the cells in the embryo (the stage at the very beginning of human life) have not really developed into specific types of cells yet and might be able to be adapted to be any type of human cell.  Therefore, money has been requested to test out this theory.

This testing has become very controversial. Many people believe that human life begins at conception (as soon as the egg and sperm unite) and that this research is wrong because it destroys life. Others believe that life does not actually begin until much later, and that the good this type of research might do outweighs everything else.  It basically comes down to the same argument that is carried on to oppose or defend abortion. When does life begin? If it begins at conception, are we ever justified in destroying that life?

However, even beyond that debate, there are some other very interesting aspects in the stem cell discussion. The most compelling to me is the fact that adult stem cells are already being used to successfully treat health problems. These cells are taken from the patient, which greatly decreases the chance of rejection. Just lately, scientists have discovered that human skin cells can be taken and “re-programmed” into a “non-commitant” cell which can then be used to replace many types of cells: heart, brain, spinal, etc. This research shows great promise.

Unfortunately, there is a limited number of grants and funds to go around. For each dollar given to embryonic research (which, as far as I could find, has not successfully treated anyone yet) one less will be given to the already successful adult stem cell research. Plus, there is a much greater chance with embryonic cells that cancerous tumors will develop. Cells at that stage are designed to reproduce rapidly and it is likely that the recipients of the cells will always need immunosuppressive drugs to prohibit that from happening. To my un-scientific mind, the investment into adult stem cells is not only more ethical, but it makes a lot more sense.

Well, I hope this helped you understand the debate a little better. It is an argument that will probably continue on for many years. Hopefully, the politics can be set aside and people can really be helped. My mother has Parkinson’s Disease. I am convinced that her best hope for a cure lies in adult stem cells. Plus, as far as I’m concerned (and as much as I love my mother) the destruction of life is just too high a price to pay.

Keeping it true!  Barb

Things You Deserve to Know!

Every once in a while I come across some facts which are not real popular in today’s culture, but are things which I think you deserve to know. You may or may not agree with what I have to say- but I strongly feel that you have the right to have the information so you can make up your own mind.  Sometimes I feel insulted when the powers that be  keep an issue quiet. I want to have the facts so I can make the most educated decisions possible. I’m sure that is true about you too.

No matter where you stand on the issue of abortion, I think everyone can agree (at least I would hope so!) that women should have access to all the information they can, either positive or negative.  However, in my opinion, when negative statistics about abortion are brought to light they tend to be downplayed or ignored altogether.  One example of this is an article which just came out in the August issue of the American Journal of Obstetrics. 

In this article, Dr. Jay D. Iams, Professor and Vice Chair of the Ohio State University Department of OB/GYN, has drawn a clear link between abortion and the rate of pre-term births. The exact quote is: “Contrary to popular belief, population based studies have found that elective pregnancy terminations in the first and second trimesters are associated with a very small but apparently real increase in the risk of subsequent spontaneous preterm birth.”  (You can find this article by clicking on the link to the American Journal of Obstetrics above.) In other words, having a first or second trimester abortion can increase the risk of having early deliveries for any future babies.

Not surprisingly, the American Association of Pro-Life Obstetricians and Gynecologists supported this article, but added some documentation to state that it did not go far enough. They point out (in the article you can find by clicking on their link) that there are currently over a hundred studies being performed which show a statistically significant link between induced abortions and early deliveries. In fact, there are no studies that prove that no link exists.

When Dr. Iams says it is a “small but significant” link, it really depends on what you think “small” means. In fact, one of the sources that he references shows a 36% increase, which I think sounds pretty big. For instance, if I had a 36% chance of having my plane crash or not surviving surgery, I would really rethink both. And, the risk increases the more abortions that a woman has.

Now, having a pre-mature baby may not be too bad a thing. However, it can also have some pretty bad consequences. Preemies under 32 weeks have all types of complications, and may take years to catch up to those who are full-term, if they survive at all. Lungs can be affected, as well as a greater risk for things like Cerebral Palsy.

However, my point is that you have the right to know this information.  You should know all the facts before having any procedure- no matter what it is. No one is doing you any favors by hiding or minimizing the truth.  I will try to bring you the facts when I can.

Keeping it true!  Barb

Help in time of desperation!

It is a story that continues to haunt me as the week goes by. Shaquan Duley lived with her mother and her three children, a five-year-old daughter and two toddler sons.  The single mother was out of work and was no longer in a relationship with the father of her children. (I have to confess, I can’t fathom fathers who can completely walk away from their children. I’m not saying that was the case here- but where was he? His sons needed him to protect them!) 

On Sunday night Shaquan and her mother, who worked to financially supported the entire group, had a big fight. The article that I read stated that her mother was constantly telling her what a bad mother she was and that she was a failure for not being able to provide for her children. So, on that particular night, Shaquan had enough! She took the two little boys and checked into a nearby motel. Maybe she planned the awful deed that she was going to do on the drive there, or maybe, full of anger, hurt, and frustration,  she snapped because the babies would not stop crying, but in a corner room of that rundown, shabby place she strangled both of them with her bare hands until they stopped breathing. Then she strapped them into their car seats and drove the car into a nearby river.  

For a moment I want to pretend that horrible night never happened. Let’s take an imaginary journey back to Saturday night. The fateful deed has not yet been done. I’m going to pretend that Shaquan has called me. She is crying and not sure where to turn.  She is broke and living with a mother who resents her for making her life harder. As her mother constantly reminds her, she barely earns enough to clothe, house and feed herself, much less her  “worthless” daughter and her three children. Perhaps she has been angry since Shaquan turned up pregnant five years before- but at least then she had a job. Now, she has nothing, and she is too depressed to take care of the little boys who came one on top of the other. All they do is whine and cry, while she sits and watches tv, immobilized by her desperation.

What would I tell her? Well, first I would listen to her story and assure her that there is help available. I would give her a list of professionals in the community who can help her.  In retrospect,  a temporary foster home would have been one answer. With her sons being cared for by others, Shaquan would then have time to look for a job, and to get some help from a therapist or a doctor. As I mentioned a couple of days ago, the Child Saving Institute here in Omaha also has a program where children can be cared for temporarily.  They have counseling for parents  as well.  Even though releasing temporary care of the children sounds drastic, it is infinitely better than having them die.

I hope I would have heard the desperation in her voice as she told me about the constant haranguing and attacks on her worth and character that her mother was spewing day and night, and told her to take her children and get out! There are shelters for abused women and children in every city, including the Omaha area.   In Nebraska there is a 24-hour helpline that women like Shaquan can call for help. It is 800-876-6238.  If she had called, her children might still be alive and she may not be facing a life-time behind bars, haunted by regrets.

If you are a woman, pregnant or with children, and there are people in your life beating you down, or forcing you to do things you don’t want to do- please leave!  I know you might feel trapped, and think you have no place to go, but that is not true. Call the number above. They will help you! Don’t let yourself be driven to do something that you will regret for the rest of your life. At the very least, call me(402-390-9700) and we can call the number together.  Don’t hurt yourself or your children. I care about you, and so do many others.

Keeping it true!  Barb

In Omaha- there is always help available!

Money. Strange how it impacts our lives, whether we want it to or not. I’ve been told that having too much money (how much is that anyway?) can be a real burden. Well, I, for one, would like a chance to carry that load! I see far too much of the other extreme in the lives of the women I work with.

Admit it- it is tough out there! The national average for unemployment is over 10%. Here in Omaha it is better, but I still think a lot of people are stuck in low-end, go nowhere, pay nothing jobs. There are a lot of single moms in our city that dropped out of high school to have their baby, and the jobs they are able to find don’t pay enough to cover the cost of childcare, much less anything else. Welfare gets them by but traps them in a live of poverty. Each day can be an overwhelming challenge to make ends meet.

In yesterday’s blog I talked about the single mom who smothered her small children and drove them into the lake.  She mentioned financial pressures as one reason she did what she did. Not to excuse this terrible act, but life can get pretty desperate with almost no money and little mouths to feed (not to mention the clothes and the diapers and all the other stuff .)  Yesterday, I talked about places you could call if you were desperate and needed to talk to someone. Today, I am going to list the community resources for food, shelter and clothing.

There are many people in Omaha that want to make sure that no one goes hungry or homeless or without the basic needs of life.  There are many churches in town which will provide food and clothing. The WIC program provides a lot of supplemental food (milk, cheese, etc.) to women and children. They can be reached at 402-451-3130. A website for the Food Bank (www.omahafoodbank.org) tells of ten different locations which provide dinner for children, as well as other locations for meals for those who need them.

Shelters such as the Open Door Mission (402-829-1510) and the Lydia House (402-829-1531) provide a roof for those who find themselves without one- along with clothing and food. The Salvation Army (402-898-5860) is also a good resource for help. At the AAA Center for Pregnancy Counseling we also have a complete referral list of places in the community where help can be found.

When  things seem to be pretty desperate and you feel all alone, please remember that there are people who care. If you want, you can even post your request on this blog and I can get back to you with some resources.  In a community like ours, there is always help available. If you go to church, that is a good place to start. If not, give me a call at 402-390-9700.  I would be happy to help- even if it is just to listen.

Keeping it true!  Barb

Two little boys killed by their mother: Avoiding the Tragedy!

If you haven’t read about it in the news, 28-year-old Shaquan Duley told police yesterday that her car had accidently gone into a South Carolina river, and she hadn’t been able to get her two sons, aged 2 years and 18 months, out. After many details of her story did not add up, Shaquan finally admitted that she had suffocated both children, and then sent her car into the river with them strapped into their car seats.  She said she was distraught over a fight with her mother and  was also concerned about financial matters.

As a parent, stories like this always greatly disturb me and make me wonder. In a desperate moment, would I be capable of doing the same thing? I have always been blessed with a great, supportive husband and family. However, what if I was all alone, and buried with financial pressures?  What if I had no one to talk to or turn to? A 2 year-old and 18 month-old could drive anyone to the breaking point.

Are you feeling under those kinds of pressures? Are you raising children alone, and feeling like you are at a breaking point? What should you do so that you don’t resort to actions that you will always regret?

Child-care professionals will tell you that if you are feeling overwhelmed that you should take a break. Leave the crying baby in their crib and shut the door. If you can, ask someone (your spouse or partner, a friend, a family member) to come and watch the children while you get away for a couple of hours. If you are alone, take your baby for a walk or put them in the carseat and go for a drive (unless they will scream and cause you more stress.)

If you are feeling like you will hurt your children, call someone. That is not our area of expertise, but someone in our office would be happy to talk with you. Our number is 402-390-9700. Or call your church, if you have one. In dire situations, the Child Saving Institute in Omaha has a Children’s Crisis Center where you can take your children for awhile. They also have a counseling program to help you through your feelings. Their number is 402-553-6000.

Shaquan Duley will probably spend the rest of her life in prison because she snapped in a moment of anger. She will probably always anguish over those two dead little boys that she must have loved. It is tragic that she didn’t have someplace to turn. However, tragedies like this should be totally avoidable. There are people who care. I know we do.  At the very least, give us a call.

Keeping it true!  Barb

Don’t let anyone steal your petals!

Karla (fake name) had been so excited about the new school year.  She had qualified for a special program in which she was going to mentor younger students and be a role model for them to look up to. In turn, much of her education would be paid for. She was going to be the first one in her family to go to college. Yes, she had big plans.

Then Karla found herself pregnant. Tears streamed down her face as she told me she hated abortion, but her life would be ruined if she had the baby. They wouldn’t keep her in the program, since she would no longer be considered a good “role model.” (Which is so hypocritical. Was it the sex they minded or the baby?) Anyway, at a time when she should have been so happy, Karla was faced with impossibly difficult choices.

Do you have big plans for your life? Maybe you want to go into medicine or run your own company. No matter what you want to do for a carreer, a high school degree is absolutely necessary, and a college degree is extremely helpful. I know many people who are stuck in the lower levels of a job, without hope of promotion, because they don’t have a degree.

One of the big reasons for this that I see all the time is that sex got in the way. It may seem strange to put it like that, but sexual activity, especially begun early and with many partners, can sidetrack life in many ways. It  can lead to a greater chance of depression, poverty and STD’s as well as pregnancies. All these things can cripple life, much less educational opportunities.

Let’s say that your life is like a flower- full of bright, beautiful petals. Each time you have sex with another person, it is like they rip off one of those petals. Especially when they don’t really care, or treat you less than you deserve. By the time you find the right person for you there may not be much left, at least not as much as you will want to give.

So, as this new school year begins, set your eyes on your goal, no matter what that might be. You have been created for great things! Don’t let meaningless relationships sidetrack you- or even meaningful ones that are asking too much of you too soon. Life is too precious for that- and so are you!

Keeping it true!  Barb